Field Trip to the Gym

Steve picked me up a free pass to his gym. Don't know what to expect. Will it be like day care, where you have activity centers where the teacher will tell you to move to the next center where you have to race to get the best toys? Will the other kids like me? Or will it be like a prison yard, where mean, big, bald men will scowl at me and won't let me use the weights and I'll have to look busy with a skipping rope? Or maybe they'll be hot women taking yoga displaying their flexiblity? Only time will tell. Feels like the first day of school.

So I get there and I am wanting to look cool and that I always come to the gym. This hope is quickly diminished after Steve tells me that you have to start pedaling to turn on the console on the excercise bikes. I casually quit looking for the ON switch and begin my cardiovascular work-out. The console displays a bunch of shit like it's a stock ticker. This my heartbeat? or is it calories burned? or the distance I've went? Is that a bar graph? is this a fucking math exam? oh! now it's beeping. fuck me.

After failing to decode the excercise bike, we head onto the weights. This is where I really shine. A girl waits patiently as I struggle with dumbells the size of barbie dolls. She probably needs this set for her aerobics class or something. I just hope I don't shit my pants or dislocate my shoulders. Meanwhile a guy beside me is lifting small cars with his ambigously gay spotter shouting commands at him. I feel like I've stumbled onto the set of a soft-core gay german porn video. "HARDER! YOU CAN TAKE MORE!" I return my focus to lifting the barbie doll weights. I am quietly ashamed as I use my knees to help me cheat lifting the weights. Now everyone knows my dirty little secret.

Ever heard a pig squeal for it's mommy? That's what I sounded like trying doing something called a Preacher's Curl? Preacher's must be fucking ripped and have God spotting them, cuz damn. These guys must be preparing for an arm wrestle with the devil or something. But next time I can't open a jar, I'm taking it to church.

But there was a highlight to my night. Yoga class! A bunch of women in tights came out and folded out their personal mattresses and performed cat impressions and such moves as "Downward Doggy". yes "Downward Doggie". I didn't make that up. Might want to rent a yoga video the next time you wanna .... you know. Don't make me say it.

ANYWAYS, my field trip to the gym wrapped up after I drank all the water from the water cooler and grew tired of playing with the exercise ball. I'm sure the people thought I was "special" as I attempted a cool-down routine on it. You know the saying "like water off a duck's back"? I have a new one "like Kobi balancing on an excercise ball". But all in all a good night.

Hope I never have to arm wrestle the devil.