Love and Relationship Advice for Dummies

Dear Ryeandcoke.com,

I have suspicions that my girlfriend is planning on leaving me, what can I do to save our relationship?

Sincerely,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,

There is no reason for concern, Chris has invented the Nicotine Blanket that will ensure a stable relationship.

The invention is amazing. What you do is buy enough Nicotine patches to cover her side of the bed and blanket. Once you have “consummated” your relationship in bed, you roll her onto the Nicotine patches. This will lead to an undetected addiction that will be associated with having sex with you.

If ever she tries to leave, she’ll gets the shakes and come running back. Your relationship is saved.

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Dear Ryeandcoke.com,

I have been single for almost a year now. I consider myself to be a some-what attractive guy who has alot to offer. Try as I might though, I can't seem to attract the opposite sex. What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely,
Lonely

Dear Lonely,

The answer is simple and staring you in the face. Lower your standards. Blame it on the booze.