End their suffering.

Dude: The Disease

I have a disease. And it’s called Dudeness.

There are so many out there that are suffering from this disease. Yet we talk very little about it. And quite frankly we need to. It is more damaging than crystal meth.

We’ve all seen people affected by this debilitating condition. A condition that basically robs you of your intelligence and class. It perverts your personality by over-stimulating ego, selfishness, and sex drive. It’s sadly destructive. Like leprosy ... or Lupus.

There are many strains to this disease, but the underlying and sinister character of this disease is that most victims are unaware and undiagnosed.

To help, here are some symptoms to look for in yourself and your friends:

Fashion Symptoms

1. You wear a big necklace.
2. You wear motocross gear into the bar. Insist on always dressing like you just finished a 5 day hike.
3. You are always carrying your biker helmet, and no matter what the temperature, you are always wearing your leather jacket.
4. fake tan or prolonged tanning bed exposure
5. You wear polo shirts that are 2 sizes too small and may have came from the female section of the store. You also wear sunglasses into the bar and may have to avoid rain due to your recent fake tan application. You have so much gel in your hair it looks varnished. And your white visor looks cute in how you’ve tilted it to the side. Really.
6. sunglasses. You panic without them.
7. Decide to wear your jersey (usually football) and tuck it into your jeans. Your dirty little secret is you permed your hair because you weren’t happy with how your hockey-hair “waved”.
8. You wear a suit. And there is no work, funeral, or wedding in sight.

Personality Symptoms

1. Been fake laughing frequently - mostly at the end of your own jokes and/or at the expense of others
2. You assess women and feel compelled to share if you would “do” her or not with acquaintances.
3. You then go on to describe what parts you like about her and what sex acts you would perform. Usually involves her mouth.
4. You talk about how cool you are.
5. Wear a wireless headset for my cellphone - even though you are NOT in a car.
6. High fives.

Conversation Symptoms

1. If you have ever uttered "aight".
2. You shorten everyone's name to one syllable
3. Insistent about talking about your car. Not cars in general. Your car.
4. Talk about how easy it was to “bang” drunk girls at the bar and/or concert.
5. Talking about how much you can drink. Usually an extreme of drinking, such as a whole 40 to yourself ... in one shot

help us

There are other symptoms that you should be aware of:

1. In photos you drop your one shoulder and throw up a peace sign. possibly even pucker your lips a bit. If you throw up both hands ... you got it baaad.
2. Believing you are made of money and wanting other people to know this.

But there is hope to get out of the hollowed existence ...

Girls, please. Please stop having sex with dudes. Lack of attention and sexual activity have been known to place this disease into remission or at least stagnate the growth of it.

True, there are many that are beyond treatment, but we can still pray for them. And place our hope in science, that it will be able to discover a cure or at least a detection system so we can abort the dude babies.