What Women do Wrong in Bed

1. Too much kissing (we dont like it)
Trying to kiss us while we are grunting and breathing hard is distracting and heeds our performance. It's like trying to run a sprint with a sucker fish attached to your face.

2. Too much talking (we dont like it)
If we wanted to talk you would still have your clothes on. If we choose not to talk after sex it doesnt mean we dont like you.. we just dont like you at that moment.

3. Blowjob is not named properly
The name is actually the opposite of the action. I have no idea why it is called a blowjob ..... 'mouth fuck' would have cleared up alot of the misunderstanding. Suck please, don't sit there with your mouth gaping like the kid from The Grudge. Putting it in and out of your mouth is not enough. If you have problems with teeth during blowjobs ... practice more. Dont look up when giving blowjobs... focus... you already have my approval.

4. No touching after sex
You're sweaty. I'm sweaty. And I want to sleep. Feel free to leave the room.

5. Second place is the first loser
Please try to orgasm at the same time.. or else you wont

6. Please offer anal sex more

7. Sex is a team sport. Don't be selfish.
Having fun? invite your friends! It's all about sharing isn't it?

8. If a VCR is too hard to program - you dont.. think about it!!
There's this really great resturaunt - you just need to take a right, then a left, go 3.567 meters, ollie your car, take 13 lefts, pluck the stone from the masters hand, exit the atmoshphere, triple-sow-cow and follow with surpassing the sound barrier. Then make a sundae.
Sound like you are going to go through the trouble? Neither will we.

9. We really dont need foreplay... thats a myth.
That's your problem ... like premature ejactulation.

10. NO HAND JOBS
Who told you we liked this?? use your mouth.

11. Roll Over, Play Dead
These are commands for a dog, not bedroom tactics. Nothing worse than a girl that lies there like a dead body microwaved for warmth.

12. While I am driving.. dont grab the steering wheel
Opposite of the dead girl, this is the frantic gymnist. Flopping like a fish, and trying to run the show. You're trying to tango, and she is line-dancing. The crowd boos.

13. Tie your hair back unless I say otherwise

14. Dont Squeal like a pig for its mommy
... actually, scratch that. But tame it down when it sounds like a shark eating an opera singer.

15. Lawn Maintenance
Over The Hedge should only be in reference to the movie. It shouldn't look like Don King is peaking out of your underwear.