The Physical

Being a girl has it's perks. We have powers beyond anyone's understandings. Girls can get out of tickets, manipulate boys, get almost anything for free (legally too!) and guys think we have the easiest life.

There is a price we pay though. It's freezing cold, comes in different sizes and looks like a finger puppet. Yes, I'm talking about the yearly physical. Guys have it easy, if anything. All they have to do is the "turn your head and cough" routine. It's way worse for us girls and I'm going to tell you all about it! This is going to be SO fun! Like a slumber party story but with boys!

The visit to the uhhh, female practitioner is an experience no one can forget. It's embarrassing, a little on the humerous side and is the most uncomfortable appointment to sit through.

First, they get you to put on this teeny tiny paper gown. It's more like a shirt. Only covers your shoulders and abdomen. Then, you sit in the tiny room on a plastic chair. "I wonder if they'll notice some missing rubber gloves." I love blowing them up like balloons....like oversized cow udders. Right before you reach for one, there's a knock on the door. It's the doctor. Dammit, no gloves for you today.

Anyways, the doctor asks you to get up on the table. "Scooch down as far as you can. Farther, farther.....k, just put your butt on the edge of the table and put your feet in these stirrups." As you make your decent down the table, you catch a glimpse of the primitive tools on the cold metal tray. Why is everything made out of cold, hard steel? You'd think they'd make an environment such as the doctor's office a more delightful place. Like, a nice warm bed, pleasant lights, sunshine and lollipop kinda thing. Oh no, it's sterile heaven.

So, back to the tools. The main one, called the speculum, looks like an abstract metal duck. It's used to hold certain things open.....You're given strict instructions to "relax." No way in hell are you going to relax when you realize where they're sticking that thing. No amount of KY Jelly is going to make you relax....unless ofcourse, your name is Jenna Jameson.

Next comes things like the uterine scraping. Which is as wonderful as it sounds. It lives up to it's name, no details will be given here. ;)

After the internals look fine and dandy, next comes the ever so popular breast exam. Which I'm sure guys would just LOVE to watch. I'm sure several porns have started out this way. Female doctor, reaching under the paper gown of the female patient. "Alright, I'm just going to move my fingers around your breast to check for any irregularites." As funny and as sensual as this may sound to you boys, it's a very important test and can very well save a woman's life. Keep that in mind.

I think I've said more than enough about the happenings in a girl's physical examination. Next time you find yourself saying "Chicks have it so easy" I hope you remember this wonderful picture I've painted for you to enjoy.