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"Embrace the new person you are becoming."
Reconstruction Site
There are no king's horse and there are no king's men, that will come and put your heart back together again. Only you can.
And it hurts just as hard to put it back together as it did when it broke. But close friends .... family can help with the solitary struggle for recovery - by patiently standing guard over the pieces of your heart that you yet have the strength to pick up.
And as it can be done medically, so it can be done emotionally: The resuscitation of the heart.
A Choice of Meaning
I was walking downtown late at night in the city of Brisbane, Australia. And I walked past a 24 hour convenience store where outside was a very dishevelled aboriginal woman. She was a very old woman and didn't appear to be in a healthy mental state. She shouted angrily at patrons that walked by - verbally attacking anyone that came near her and shaking her fists at everyone.
Sitting on her tattered blanket, hunched over angerly, it was a poor sight. But then she paused ..... and impressed me profoundly .....
She got herself up from her tattered nest, stood up with her closed eyes raised. And began to sing.
She sang in a language I didn't know, but the song was haunting in it's .... pain? beauty? You could feel the song was not from this time. It raised the hair on the back of my neck. It's .... soul was palatable.
I'm not sure how exactly her song affected me. But perhaps it taught me that even anger .... despair .... sadness ...it all can be beautiful - it's all in the manner we approach it.
Success Defined
Happiness lies within others. Now that sounds like self-worth plagued with self-esteem issues, but it's quite the opposite. For myself it holds truth. It's the ability to look past ones self. And see others.
Break down your life. Why do you strive to be a good person? My answer is that you are here for others. Acts of personal betterment involve selflessness. What I have done for others are my proudest moments. Personal success does not help me sleep at night.
So validate your life by those honest moments where you are being more for someone else. Self-worth comes from selflessness.
MY GENERATION?
How would I describe my generation? What a clever question I thought it would be.
First a cool catch-phrase: The Medication Generation.
Prozac, Tryptizol, Lithium, SSRIs, vicoden, Dr. Phil - the list goes on and on. We are deep in
self-anlysis. Dealing with a sense of loss - loss of purpose? identity? we don't know. And it hurts.
So we dope ourselves, seek counsel, read self-help publications. We focus on careers, materials, sex,
medication, reality tv. These are our soothers for when we don't want ask ourselves a deeper question
- why do I feel lost?
All in our quarter-life crisis. Everything GAP.
But where is the line for the inclusion/exclusion of my generation? The emotions and longing are
universal. That sense of permenant pause in your life - waiting for the next chapter to unfold. A
sense of frustration with lethargic living. This is not a banner for a generation. This is a
description of the singular human existence.
But there is beauty in the cognitive disconnect. simple delights, flawed comedy. Connections with
others.
And this. You are not alone in your alienation. So to describe my generation:
You.
RELIGION?
Im not a religious person in any respect. But I do consider myself, in my own regard, a spiritual person. And Im not talking about the new age, post-modern trend where everyone is searching for their own Buddha, worshiping the mountains, or avidly watching Dr. Phil. But quietly, as a person who stays up at night and ponders life.
I havent come up with any answers. But Im at comfort with my confusion. I dont know why I was put here, I dont know why I have to die, and I certainly dont know the meaning of life. And thats okay - it makes this life more beautiful that way. I tend not to read books where the ending has already been told to me. It cheapens the journey.
So I think thats why Im not a religious person. I dont have answers, and I dont want anyone to tell me them either! Let me find out on my own please. Now Im careful to say that, because its not that I dont believe in anything, but more a partial belief in everything. Certainly not atheist, but not really agnostic either. Every religion has the potential to be accurate.
I do become quickly disgusted with those that feel that people who are not affiliated with their religion somehow dont qualify, and need to be saved. (Same goes for hipsters that scoff at those who are religious). That is not enlightenment or intelligence, that is close-mindedness. Im better than you does not equal a good person in my mind.
You get to go to heaven, I dont sue me. Religion is NOT a status symbol.
And I appreciate people who choose to celebrate their religion, and not advocate it. Personal happiness is just that, personal.
But I would like to say I have a lot of respect for those people who are religious. I am very much for finding your own answers, but who am I to judge those that share the same organized answer? It offends me when people wish they could be blindly religious because it would make everything so much more simple to have all the answers.
Contrary to the cynics, religious does not automatically mean thoughtless.
DEATH?
What an uncomfortable subject, but certainly one that warrants consideration. Ill keep this short:
Im not suicidal in any regard, but I do think about what my death will mean. I certainly dont want it to happen! But unless science can save me, or I become a vampire, its something I will inevitably confront.
Now Im not obsessed with the how or why thats just a matter of trivial means. I might choke on my cheerios in the morning, I might pass away in my sleep at an old age, or if I put faith into statistics, Ill likely die in a car crash. If I had a preference, Id like something that would be oddly entertaining. Where people will feel like laughing when they hear it, but feel horrible for feeling that way. Or maybe saving a dog. Thatd be cool.
What I like to obsess about, late at night, is the abstract thought of my (possible) extinction. Death as the ultimate infinite abstinence is a real brain-teaser. Maybe my brain is too small, or Im incredibly vain, but I cant conceptualize me NOT existing.
So I have many theories where I dont become extinct like as an example, here is my scientifically-based attempt:
Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes form. And since we are just bundles of energy roaming around, and thanks to the statistics provided by the concept of infinity and random occurrence, it is inevitable that this energy bundle called Me will form together again in some undetermined future. Score one for me! And yay for science.
Now of course, it can quickly get complicated - what if we have a soul. Does a soul separate and disperse after death? if so, can a soul be put back together? if not, what happens to the soul? These questions can really bake your noodle :)
On a more serious note, theres a story that I love to tell. I was about 13 years old and I was with my grandpa out on his farm. We were walking outside and I was wrestling with what I considered a dark subject death. So being brash, I asked grandpa if he was afraid of dying. He laughed (he loved to laugh), and said that when I was older, I would understand, but he wasnt afraid at all. He told me that his life is like a book, and its been a good story, but every good book has an ending.
That sense of calm completion my grandpa had with his life impressed me. Its now something I strive for. I want to write a good story.
LOVE?
Its such a vapid topic, as its heavily stereotyped. Hallmark cards has almost turned it into a Vegas-like attraction! So I wont get all mushy, Ill just make a quick comment.
I dont think love happens in the first . oh, 6 months of the relationship. What you have is infatuation and lust which are, by all means, amazing experiences in their own regard. Im certainly not complaining or criticizing! its a wonderful moment of celebrating this amazing human being. But I think its after this time, that you start to have a foundation to build on actually understanding this other person. And then thats when love comes in.
So if ever I use the L word, I hope that the weight of what Im saying is understood.
But since this is MY site, Im gonna get a little mushy with a quote that I felt had honesty and impact for me guys, dont laugh:
A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow.
Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful.
I also believe that love never dies. When people ask me if I've ever been in love, I say yes and still am. But it's okay to still have those feelings, they will never expire. Some days I beg for those feelings to leave me alone, and other days I vow it's the last thing I'll let go of. But regardless of the rollercoaster I put myself on, the feelings always remain. Once you are in love, the only thing you can do is change it.
FAMILY?
I love my family. I honestly consider my sisters to be my best friends. And I have no resentment for Mom and Dad or blame them somehow for my own problems. We are all extremely supportive of each other. And unlike some families, we actually LIKE each other.
My family can sit down together at the family table and drink whiskey (except for mom) and talk and laugh till 4 in the morning. We play sports together whenever we can. I even dance with my mom in the living room when a good song comes on the radio.
But were not like that 7th Heaven sitcom. We dont have family meetings, or hug each other and smother each other with affection that stuff is so sweetsy it makes me want to throw up (like after a Halloween candy binge). We are more like kindred spirits I guess. I am very fortunate. And I love them very much.
FRIENDSHIP?
There is nothing on this world that compares to the feeling of trusting a friend. And this goes for love too. Trust is the most affirming state of emotion - if you trust someone, all else is just details.
LITTLE THINGS?
Had a moment that I won't forget. And it's such a small insignificant event, I very much believe I won't be able to describe in a way for people to fully appreciate it. but it was a moment of levity - so I'll try. I was lying in a bare living room at friend-of-a-friend's place. The roommate who had bought all the furniture had just moved out, so there was nothing but a tv in the room. I decided to lye in the middle of the room and rest my eyes .... and appreciate the hang-over I had inflicted on myself.
Then she came in.
And sat down beside me. Didn't really say anything. Just sat there with me sprawled out in the middle of an empty room. And then she reached out and touched my back. And I'll never be able to justify in words how such a small act impacted me.
Haven't been touched like that in literally years. It was a touch that wasn't needy or greedy. Not wanting something from me - not needing the feeling reciprocated. It wasn't sexual. It wasn't illicited or materialed out of a sense of routine/duty.
It was a touch just to touch me.
It's the little things that are impressive. And I want to thank her for reminding me of that.
Careful What You Wish For
The gambler had not expected to be here. But on reflection, he thought he had shown some kindness in his time. And this place was even more beautiful and satisfying than he had imagined. Everywhere there were magnificent crystal chandeliers, the finest handmade carpets, the most sumptuous foods, and, yes, the most beautiful women, who seemed intrigued with their new heaven mate. He tried his hand at roulette, and amazingly his number came up time after time. He tried the gaming tables, and his luck was nothing short of remarkable: He won game after game. Indeed his winnings were causing quite a stir, attracting much excitement from the attentive staff, and from the beautiful women.
This continued day after day, week after week, with the gambler winning every game, accumulating bigger and bigger earnings. Everything was going his way. He just kept on winning. And week after week, month after month, the gambler's streak of success remained unbreakable.
After a while, this started to get tedious. The gambler was getting restless; the winning was starting to lose its meaning. Yet nothing changed. He just kept on winning every game, until one day, the now anguished gambler turned to the angel who seemed to be in charge and said that he couldn't take it anymore. Heaven was not for him after all. He had figured he was destined for the "other place" nonetheless, and indeed that is where he wanted to be.
"But this is the other place," came the reply.
Bedtime When You Dont Sleep
Ive been quite fortunate in what has proven to be a blessing in disguise: a slight inability to sleep.
Now the average person is forced, during his waking hours, to tend to the trivial how of his/her life. The tasks at work, the bills to be paid, the groceries to pick up, what to eat, what to buy .. the list is almost infinite. And it distracts the mind from the why of his/her life.
I believe a person is most interesting at about 2 3am in the morning. The rest of the world, has for the most part, subdued its nagging until the alarm sounds to start tomorrows race for money, food, and entertainment. And its at this time when the mind has time to stretch its imagination and recreationally explore subjects beyond the how of living.
Now this certainly doesnt have to be an intelligent or purposeful exploration of the meaning of life or the chasms of humanity. This is the minds playground concentrating on the Caramilk secret is valid and interesting! Ive spent some nights analyzing why I like polar fleece blankets so much. The subject isnt important the time to choose to do so is.
This .. pregnant pause in life, for me personally, also allows me to reflect on my regrets, my choices, my hopes, and priorities in my life. The course of my life has namely been dictated in these early morning hours. Its an honest moment when you cant distract yourself lying in bed with your thoughts.
So I am thankful I dont drop like a rock at 9:30pm, only to be aware again when morning comes. My why has time to question the how of my life. And I might have missed the Caramilk secret.
Existential Analysis: Logotherapy
Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and author of Mans Search for Meaning, personally faced the devastating experience of being a prisoner in a German concentration camp and managed to continue to find life meaningful and worthwhile.
Frankl was virtually stripped of everything. His father, mother, brother and his wife died in camps or were sent to gas ovens. Excepting for his sister, his entire family perished. In the preface to Frankl's book, it is asked "How could he - every possession lost, every value destroyed, suffering from hunger, cold and brutality, hourly facing extermination - how could he find life worth preserving?
Frankl recognizes that the meaning of life differs from man to man, and from moment to moment. Thus it is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general way. Questions about the meaning of life can never be answered by sweeping statements. Life does not mean something vague but something very real and concrete, just as life's tasks are also very real and concrete. They form man's destiny which is different and unique for each individual. No man and no destiny can be compared with any other man or any other destiny.
Life under any circumstances never ceases to have a meaning, and that this infinite meaning of life includes suffering and dying, privation and death. In fact, Frankls system of logotherapy is based on three tenets:
1. Life has meaning under all circumstances, even the most miserable ones.
2. Every person has an innate desire to find meaning and this will to meaning is man's principal motivation for living.
3. Every person has the freedom to find meaning.
According to Frankl, life can be meaningful in three ways.
First, trough what we give to the world in and through what we do, what we contribute, what we add to life, what we create. These Frankl calls creative values.
Secondly, through what we take from life and what life gives us, what we experience. For example, surrendering to the beauty of nature or art. Or experiencing human beings in their uniqueness (love). These Frankl calls experiential values.
But what of those who are deprived of the opportunity to find meaning in a deed, or in work, or in love, and are faced with an unalterable fate (such as the situation in the concentration camp or an incurable disease, or going to blind, for example)?
A third doorway of meaning is open to them in the attitude they take towards their situation, one choice remains that no one can take away from us - the choice of our attitude toward it. Frankl quotes Yehudi Bacon, who as a boy was imprisoned in Auschwitz "Suffering can have a meaning if it changes you for the better." In this way, as Frankl has said, life can have meaning to the last breath.
But its Nietzche's words that aptly summarize Logotherapy, and had the greatest impact on me:
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."
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